Rethinking Guilt: From Shame to Strength

We’ve all felt it—that uncomfortable, sinking feeling after we’ve upset someone or made a mistake. Society often tells us to avoid guilt, as if it’s a harmful emotion we should squash. But psychologist Chris Moore, professor at Dalhousie University, offers a different perspective: guilt isn’t our enemy—it’s a guide. In his new book, The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal, Moore reframes guilt as a tool for accountability, relationship repair, and personal growth.

What is guilt, really? Guilt is more than just feeling “bad.” Moore explains it as a mix of three emotions:

1. Fear for the health of a relationship – noticing when something we did may harm someone else.

2. Empathy – feeling sadness for the impact our actions had on others.

3. Remorse – wishing we hadn’t caused harm.

Together, these emotions motivate us to fix what’s broken. Moore points out that social species like humans rely on strong relationships to thrive, and guilt helps keep our social bonds intact. People who lack guilt, such as those with psychopathic traits, often struggle with maintaining healthy relationships.

Guilt vs. shame: Moore emphasizes an important distinction: guilt is about what you did, while shame is about who you are. Feeling guilty for a mistake can inspire repair and reconciliation. Shame, on the other hand, can make people withdraw from others because they feel fundamentally flawed. In short: guilt can be constructive; shame tends to be destructive.

Why guilt gets a bad rap: Guilt feels uncomfortable, so naturally, we avoid it. Society often links guilt to punishment—through religion, law, or social norms—which reinforces the idea that it’s negative. But Moore encourages leaning into guilt, examining whether it’s justified, and using it as motivation to make amends. Once we’ve done what we can to repair the harm, it’s important to let go.

Family, power, and guilt: Guilt often starts in childhood, especially in relationships with power imbalances, like between parent and child. When parents use guilt to control, it can create resentment and even estrangement over time. Moore stresses that persistent guilt in these situations may not be yours to carry—it’s a reflection of relational dynamics, not personal failure.

Collective guilt: Guilt isn’t just personal—it can be collective. For example, societies grappling with historical injustices, like colonialism or the Holocaust, may experience “collective guilt.” Moore differentiates between:

• Objective collective guilt: Legal or societal responsibility for harm, which can be addressed through reparations or actions.

• Subjective collective guilt: Individual feelings of responsibility for harms committed by one’s group, even without personal involvement.

Moore notes that subjective collective guilt is complicated—sometimes there’s no direct path to forgiveness—but there’s no benefit in carrying guilt once you’ve done all you can to act responsibly.

Takeaway: Guilt is not a moral flaw—it’s an emotional signal, a prompt to repair, reconnect, and grow. When approached thoughtfully, it can help us build stronger relationships and live with integrity. The next time guilt creeps in, instead of pushing it away, ask yourself: “What can I do to make this right?”

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